Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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