I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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