Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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