What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
