I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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