It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Randomize
