Ambien. No doubt about it.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
