we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
