So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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