Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Randomize
