i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
