How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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