Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
