Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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