So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
