How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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