i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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