I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
