Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
it's like iHOP with fire
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
