it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
