i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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