I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
