Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
