So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
