You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
