Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
