saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You are a genius and a whore.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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