she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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