I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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