Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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