I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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