The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just found puke in my bra..
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Randomize
