I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He shit in the fireplace
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
