my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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