Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
