I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
