Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Hippo gnu deer
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
