The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
