My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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