Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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