I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
