How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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