My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
