he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
