jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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