My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
