Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
