Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
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I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
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I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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