are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
