I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
