just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
