The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
