She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Rumble strips road head = magical
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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