My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
