im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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