You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
