i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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