a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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