WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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