remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
